"was this over before...before it ever began?"

    i woke up after a night of crying to myself, just trying to erase the thoughts of him. my heart was so broken, but not as broken as i thought it would be. in a way i was relieved, the only thing stressing me out just disappeared out of my life, but at the same time, the only person who knew how to take my stress away was gone. i almost felt lost, but i knew what to do. this is the second time my heart's been broken...i think i can handle it.

     i checked my email to see if Haley ever mailed me back. i clicked on my inbox. "one new message." i opened it and it was from her.

          hey drew i miss u too!! haha that rhymed (: well im free wenevr, u shud come over tomaro! i wake up around 11 so just come over when u want to and i'll be there....and i got a new guitar!!!! its awesome!!! and Cammie said to tell u she says hi :D well i'll see u wen ur here i guess. bye!!
          luv, Haley ^_^

     i smiled as i read it then closed the message. that cheered me up a lot, i 'm glad she replied, i miss her so much. its about 8 am and she sent that around 5 pm yesterday, so i guess I'll start getting ready and I'll walk there. its kinda nice out today so i wouldn't mind. 
     i pulled out a box from under my bed and searched through it for my notebook from middle school. i went to some classes there before i switched back to online school and she was my best friend. i had this notebook we made together and passed back and forth; it had pictures of us, poems we wrote, stuff we liked and quotes we made and all kinds of memories. i picked it up from underneath some junk and old purses i never used, sat down and flipped through the pages. each thought i had from then on started with "i remember when..." 
     i saw all of these crazy pictures, making weird faces and one where i was sneezing, the big heartagram we painted on the blacktop in golden spray paint. underneath was the mosaic we made from white Playdough and broken shards of beer bottles we found on the sidewalk. i remember how we painted some of them with glow-in-the-dark nailpolish so that is said "HN + AC = BFF." then i sprayed it over with transparent polyurethane. it was one of my favorite things ever. i was thinking about taking it with me to her house...i think i might. we can talk about our past memories and catch up before i start school tomorrow. its an In-Service day today for both of our districts so we can hang out. I'm excited to see her, its been forever.
     i don't think I've ever had a better or truer friend than Haley. we're so much alike, its unreal. the only thing that makes us different is that my favorite color is purple and hers is lime green; and of course we look nothing alike. i have tan skin and black hair, and she's light with strawberry blond hair, but we almost have the same hair cut and we dress the same. one time i showed up at her house to surprise her, turned out we were wearing the same shirt, same undershirt and the same miss-matched socks on opposite feet with our hair up and un-straightened with winged eyeliner. completely unplanned. it was crazy.


     I had our notebook and mosaic and my camera in my bag and my mp3 player on shuffle. as i was walking down the street, about a mile before Haley's house, i heard the rolling of spitfire through my headphones; spitfire wheels, that is. i looked slightly behind me and there was a group of guys skating in a line. i subconsciously fixed my eyes and scanned each one to see if the boy i wanted to see was anywhere in the group. There's so many skaters in our city though, he might not even live around here. i might never see him again...but then i saw him and my eyes grew wide and i nearly paused and stared. he slowed down and looked at me then leaned foreward and squinted from up the street down at me. i stopped in my tracks and one of my ear buds fell out. i blushed; he took another step foreward, almost as if he was going to come over to me. my heart started beating really fast until a cracky voice from afar yelled "come on!" and he looked down, then at me, then again, and he skated away down the street after his friends.
     It saddened me slightly...i almost thought i was really going to talk to him. but i got so scared. i sighed and contimued walking to Haley's; maybe she can make me feel better. actually,  i know she can, she always does.
     i finally got to her street and i got a little happy. i got the same child-like rush i used to get every time we saw eachother which made me happy and excited. i smiled to myself and started skipping and then running down the street. i had my big clenched in my hands. One of my favorite songs came on, Feel Good Drag by Anberlin. We used to sing that together all the time; now i was really excited!!

     i ran to her house and opened the gate and to her back patio and set down my bag on her back bench and took out the heart mosaic. what was an excited run turned to a slow, fearful walk, and then more into a sorrowful crawl as looked up at the glass doors. my jaw dropped when i saw Haley and Ryan sitting on the couch in front of the glass doors. i couldnt hear anything but the song playing in my ears,  it's like it all happened in sequence:
"'I'm here for you,' she said
'and we can stay for awhile,
my boyfriend's gone
we can just pretend.'

    i could see her talking to him and it really felt this was what she was really saying. she leaned into him...
Lips that need no introduction
Now who's the greater sin
Your drab eyes seem to invite
(tell me darling) Where do we begin?"

     she smiled...and then they kissed...

     it was the perfect music video, but one of the most hurtful things in life...to see someone you thought loved you, kiss your best friend who you thought cared more about you than anyone did.
      he promised me he didnt like her, he promised me over and over, and she did the same. i made sure i asked her as soon as things got wierd, and they both lied...i knew it, they liked eachother that whole time.
"was this over before...before it ever began?
your kiss, your calls, your crutch; 
like the devil's got your hand."
     the question arose to me as the song went on, and it was right. it was over before it ever even began. i should have never even tried, they liked eachother the whole time; they both lied. this is more crushing than the break up its self, my best friend, wasn't a best friend at all, and no one loves me...did they do this on purpose? is that why she invited me over? just to see this?
     a tear rolled down my face as i looked at our mosaic, then i looked back up at them. ryan looked over and saw me and stopped, then haley looked at me...she turned his head and kissed him again. i just looked away...
     i walked over to the bench and got my bag, took out the notebook and set it along with our mosaic on the front stare of her patio and i walked away, teary-eyed in disbelief; just hoping this is all a bad dream.

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