i woke up on Sunday, still thinking about that boy. i didnt know who he was, but for some reason i really wanted to. i dont usually really notice boys. i mean, yeah, i like them but no one has ever caught my attention like that. it was so wierd, i don't know what to do. i'm not sure how i feel about it..
i turned on some music and started making breakfast. Wicked Game came on, the HIM version, and what a coincidence. "what a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way, what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you. no, i wanna fall in love..." i was singing along and the words made so much sense to the situation. i really don't think this is just a crush...this is different. i've had crushes before, but it was more like someone i was friends with and i was trying to like them because i thought i had to, but there's no pressure here...i just want him for some reason, there's something about him, and i can tell that he's more than just pretty; and i havent even talked to him..
okay. i've got eggs, bacon, jelly, butter, toast...i'm missing something. i looked in the cabinets and the refrigerator and got out a little milk to mix in with the beaten eggs and then started frying while everything was getting done. i was bored at my house. i turned on the tv but nothing was really on. i just sat down and ate, then got on the computer and checked my e-mail.
i have one new message, and it's from Hartton-Beaux Highschool...i was enrolled. CRAP. i hate school.. and i totally forgot that i enrolled at all.. i've been doing online school since 5th grade, and now i'm in 11th going back and starting again. all those people...i dont want to go back...they're the reason i left in the first place.
the one thing i hate the most about school is the people. they're all so...ignorant. they judge you for everything by the first glance and dont give you a chance at all, i might have had 6 friends in school ever and 5 out of 6 of them stabbed me in the back. and my only true friend lives an hour and a half walk away and we barely see eachother or talk. it makes me sad, but she actually has friends, and a life. i cant blame her for not talking to me that much...i wouldnt do that to her, but i guess it's okay. we havent talked in about 4 months, but everytime we talk its like we never stopped, and everything is fine, so i thnk it's okay. while she's on my mind, i guess i'll send her an email.
i started typing it out.
Hey =) long time no talk! i miss you lots bestfriend. i've been working alot and i've got some extra money saved up if you ever wanna do something, we can catch the bus and go see a movie or go to a show or something. i miss when we lived by eachother and got to hang out all the time, and i know you're busy but reply when you can! i cant wait until whenever i see you again <3
i clicked send then just layed down on my bed. i keep thinking about that boy...i dont know if i should stop or not, i like him, but i cant like him...because i dont even know him, whcih makes no sense. but i'm so distracted by it...i'm just gonna try not to think about it...
so, i have to start school in a couple of days...i'm not really excited about it. according to the email i start on tuesday. so at least that gives me a few days to get everything right, and to look at the school dress code and see what i can and cant wear. i also need to get a couple of things for school like notebooks and stuff. i wish i could go to the same school as heley, but she lives a while away. the people at my school hated me, but this is a different school though, i wont even know anyone.. not even one person. hopefully he will be there...that boy that i saw; that would make things a little better, you know, to have something to look forward to. i thought i was going to stop thinking about that... i dont really know what to do about this, should i see it as a fresh start or just a new isolation?
i went to the school's website and looked up more stuff about it. the dress code isnt all that strict, basically it's no cleavage and no midrift, no more than two facial piercings and no giant hoop earings, so i can really just dress the way i normally do. the school rules arent bad either, you have to exit out of the side doors, no weapons, bookbags stay in your lockers and no purses bigger than a handbag so girls cant get away with anything. its pretty much all as expected, i guess it wont be that bad. i wish i knew what classes i had, but i wont know until i get there...which is frustrating since i dont really know where anything is.
i heard the phone ring so i jogged over and picked it up, "hello?"
my stomach dropped when i heard his voice.. i couldnt believe he was really calling me. i was hurt.. he was supposed to be my boyfriend but he hadnt even talked to me for a month and a half. my expression went completely from excited to sad. i held the phone loosely to my ear and said "hi...ryan.."
"hey... i know i've been ignoring you alot-"
"you mean all the time?..."
he sighed and i frowned. "i...i think we should just be friends..."
i started to choke up and all i let out was a wimper and a tear rolled down my face. "what...did...i do wrong?"
"you just...what..?" i sniffed.
"i can't do this...okay? it's over.. its not your fault..."
"why? why cant you just tell me?"
"i have to go..."
"wait! no!! just tell me first!" i cried. "please don't leave!!"
"i gotta go...bye." and he hung up before i could say another word. i dropped the phone then dropped to my knees and cried. "ugh! its not fair!" i punched the floor one fist after another as the tears hit the waxed wood floor of my kitchen. i went to my room and took my binder from my drawer and a pack of matches and went to the balcony and climbed down the siding with the binder in my mouth. i dragged the metal trash can over the woods and yanked it over the sidewalk into the forest next to the old creek. i ripped out all of the papers from it then tore them into pieces and threw them into the trashcan. last was the binder. i took out the rings and took out the box of matches and the lighter from my pocket. i opened up the binder and set it upside down over the trashcan. put in some leaves and dry grass under the paper. then i picked up 3 matches, put two behind my ear and lit one with my lighter and watched it fizzle and smelled the smoke. then i set the box on top of the binder and put in the lit match and watched the box start to burn until the cardboard was all fire. then the plastic on the binder caught on fire and started to burn. i saw the plastic melting and then the picture of us in the cover...it caught fire...and i watched as the last of our love fizzle into flames and disappear...just like he did. i just watched.