"disarm me with your loneliness, just like always before."

"A promise of heaven pushed us right back to hell
Turning three sevens into three sixes again
And you laughed at my face when I told you how much it hurts
And said
Disarm me with your loneliness
Just like always before
Deceive me out of my emptiness
Telling me how you love..."
     He took the words right out of my mouth. I swear, Ville Valo is the only person who understands me.
     why does all of this happen to me? why cant i just be loved? am i worthless? am i ugly? is it because i'm short? because i'm different? maybe too different?...ugh, i don't know. i frowned to myself as i walked trying hard not to cry but tears were still falling. i clenched my lips together, trying not to choke up and tilted my head down to cover my eyes with the front fringe of my hair. i stoned my hands deep into my pockets with clenched into a fist, trying to walk quickly.
     a breeze gusted against my left arm as someone walked past me, but i only saw the shoes. i could hear them walking, then i heard them stop...i kept walking. i felt a poke on my arm, i looked down and it was rain, and the sky was darkening. i've been walking for an hour but i'm only one third of the way home. i have no drive. whats a worse feeling than to feel completely alone; when the two people you're closest to betray you, and lie to you. i should have done something, i knew it was going on the whole time, but i was in denial...i thought love would have mercy on me finally, but i was so wrong. when Ryan said "i love you" to me when he dropped me off that day in December, two things rand through my head: should i say it back, or punch him and run? i should have done the second option. telling him i loved him back was an a bigger mistake than asking him out in the first place. it was forced, i had to try to love him because i didnt, i liked him alot but i wasnt in love, he was my best friend, it was just supposed to be fun, nothing serious. i just wanted a boyfriend, someone who was going to hang out with me and do couple-like things. i wanted to see what i liked, i wanted to know if i liked cuddling, or if i liked hugging or any of that stuff, i specifically did NOT want to fall in love again, not after Anthony broke my heart...when Ryan said he loved me, the original plan was to break up with him that night; to prevent anything from being serious, but after he said that i couldnt do it, especially after i said it back. i knew there was a chance i could love him, but i didnt want to because i didnt wanted to be in like, not in love. he said all of these sweet things to me, to make me really believe him that he loved me. he took me places with him, and we saw eachother all the time. we talked on the phone every night and he always said goodnight to me before bed and i said good morning to him every morning, but there was something missing after a while. i loved him, but i wasnt in love with him and i got the two horribly confused.
     i just remembered that on his birthday, i had my first glimpse of that boy and the image never left my mind. i tried to push him out because i didnt know him and i was taken, but only 2 weeks later was when ryan started to drift apart...ryan turned 18 and started going to parties. he stopped talking to me slowly, and eventually we didnt talk at all. he didnt talk to me for 2 weeks before he called to end it. and he promised he would never leave...he said the only way i would lose him if i was the one to leave, but just like everything else, it was a lie. he decieved me out of my emptiness instead of filling void, and there's the reason it will never work....


      the rain had gotten hard and all of the thinking was tearing me apart. i was freezing and was only half way home, then i decided just to not go. i walked through the woods ino this back path to a place where i could be by myself.
     it was a beautiful place. me and haley found out when we were younger, it was this beautiful rock valley, perfect for climbing and a silvery slate-gray; but when it rained, all of the rocks flooded over into little waterfalls with blue-green water. it was so pretty, it made loneliness seem like more of a solitude and always made me feel a little better.
     i climbed up onto a high rock with another over it as a cover from the rain and curled up into a ball, huddling my bag like a pillow. i turned off my mp3 player to listen to the rain. it made a rythmic tapping sound against the rocks and the waterfalls started to flow. i felt a vibration and i looked inside and saw my cell phone was ringing, but it didnt say a number.
     "hello?" i heard giggling in the background and no one was replying back. "h...hello?" i said once again and no one answered. then i heard talking:
     "so she doesnt have a clue?"
     "nope, i guess we hid it pretty well then, huh?"
     "yea, i guess..."
     i think it was Haley and Ryan...
     "what happened to you guys being friends?"
     "she'll probably just forgive me like last time, she's a sweetheart."
     "i know she is..."
     "whats wrong?"
     "she was getting annoying anyway, she always emailed me but i never replied or just say i was busy, then a week later she would be all like 'haley i miss you!' ...i guess she just didnt get it." she laughed.
     "you know that whole time she thought you hated her?"
     "oh. i dont hate her, but she changed. i think she's a little off her rocker." she laughed more and he sighed.
    "oh shit, my phone was on —" then the call clicked over.
    she does hate me...i couldnt believe what i just heard, she talked about me like i was never her friend. and she thinks i've changed....i'm the same way i was when she met me, but she sure has changed alot. ever since i moved she had gotten different...a bad different...she would barely talk to me the whole time me, but she would hang out with him. i thought nothing of it because i trusted her, but i guess i had a good influence on her when we saw eachother every day. but now...i'm gone...i grew up, but i didnt change. unfortunately for her she did exactly the opposite...
     i couldnt help but cry again. i put off moving in with my father because of this boy and this girl who i loved with my everything, and almost as soon as i call it off, i'm still here. at least i'm living alone and not with my mom, then i would really go insane. its so heartbreaking, i feel so selfish...my dad only wants me to be happy, and i said i thought i would be happier here, but i was so wrong. everything went wrong. i'm starting school with no friends and i dont even have friends outside of school now. thanksgiving break i guess i will decide...i go for vacation for that time to be with him and family. he gave me the option to move in with them up there or to stay here. i'm really thinking about it...and i really do love New York...
     i turned over and lied on my side. tears ran in from one eye down into the other, then dripped onto the slate through my scattered strands of hair. they looked like thin black wires as the moisture in the air contorted them into a frizz. i sniffed. and i heard thunder and cringed. i was so afraid of storms, they were my biggest fear. i hid my face and shut my eyes tight hoping not to see the lightning. then in the midst of all the thunder i head a small...


     i peeked out from under my arm to see a little cat crawling through the water. "meow" it yelped again. i got up from the rock and crawled down to the kitten and picked it up, cradled in my cupped hands. it fit perfectly. he was shivering and soaking wet, and so small. the only thing i could see was these endearing yet frightened sky-blue eyes. i crawled back to my spot and set the kitten down in my lap. it closed its eyes ad huddled down its head, shivering. "its okay kitty, are you cold?" he looked up at me with those big round eyes and i knew already. i took out some napkins i that i'd collected from random dinners and dried him off a little, then curled up and set him in the crevice. he turned around a couple of times before he got comfortable and eventually we had both fallen asleep.

     when we woke up it was around 5 pm and beginning to get darker. the cat opened her eyes and blinked at me. he was so cute. i petted him and told him i had to leave and he pawed at my leg. i smiled but i was still sad, now that i had to leave this little cat. "bye kitty, maybe i'll see you again." he meowed at me and i began walking again after i got off the rocks.


    when i was walking past the shop on the way home it had started to rain again. that same car that always splashed on me when it rained, splashed on me again. i looked closer this time and saw the license plate. it was Haley's older sister's car...and Ryan's was following right behind... i sighed. i was going to let it go until they drove past and did it again. "ugh!" i was drenched again. i was wiping the water out of my eyes until they pulled up next to me with the windows down. Haley looked over at me and smiled, the look just read "he's mine now and i got what i want." then she glared foreward as they left when the light turned green, her strawberry blond hair gusted slightly out the window as they pulled away. Ryan followed behind, but he drove slow through the puddle. thank you...


 i took off everything when i got home and washed the pebbles and dirt out of my hair.
 i looked at my phone to see no missed calls or messages.
the room was dark and empty with no celing lights.
i sighed and it echoed.


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