"cant you see he's the heartless? your pain is not love..."

     school wasnt half as bad as i expected, but that is what i expected. i'm not gonna go getting my hopes up high right now, because the first day of school is usually fine. the third or fourth day is the one you have to worry about. that's when everyone starts to notice you.


     after work, i got off around 7:30. i would usually get off at 9 but now that i have school i work different hours. Mr. Heron said i can come in and work whenever as long as i work for at least 4 hours. i usually volunteer for 5, and i did mine today from 3 to 7:30. while i was walking home, i kept feeling something on the back of my shoe. i thought someone was stepping on it, but when i looked back, there was no one there.
     i felt another tap on the back of my shoe. i was starting to get frustrated. "Hey!-" i turned around and tripped a little. huh? i looked down  and the kitten from the waterfalls was staring up at me with its big circle eyes, one paw off the ground.

she said "mew?"

it startled me. i looked crouched down. "now how did you manage to find me, little one." it stared at me then touched it's nose on the tip of mine.

she said "mew!"

i giggled with delight. it was the most precious little cat. it had mouse brown fur and was really fluffy, which made it look fat, but it really weighed nothing at all. it had  a flat pink nose, smallish ears and big hazel eyes. i smiled and pet it. "i wish you could take you with me" i grinned sadly. "i have to go kitty..." i started walking again.
    i got home and kicked of my shoes at the doorway and sat down at my computer desk to check my email. i fretted for a second...i really hope i dont have anything from Haley or Ryan. i would be so crushed. i'm too afraid to see what either of them would have to say. especially Haley. i've never been so scared to get online in my whole life. and i still hadnt changed my profile. i guess i'll do that now...
    i had one email in my inbox:

          hey remember me? im scott i saw you a few months ago on ur bfs birthday and a couple other times

     it was a short message, and it said i culdnt reply unless i added him as a friend, and i didnt realize who it was at first but then my stomach got all fluttery. it was that boy...i was so scared to reply...i never knew that this was Scott. Ryan always told me not to talk to him, but i didnt even know who he was. he always said that he just wanted to bang me but judging by the look he gave me, i think he honestly though i was really pretty and Carlos Just twisted his words to make him mad like he usually does.
     i sent the friend request. i was so excited, i never thought i would talk to him ever, and here he is. i didnt know what to do with myself, i was so...i dont even know, it was an indescribable feeling, but it was a good one. i went and got ready for bed and made some pizza then got back on the computer. he accepted the request and before i could reply to the message he already sent me one:

          i guess you do remember me then hah

i smiled. i cant forget that face...♥

          yea of cours i remember you :) i remember when you ollied off the back of his truck, he just dumped me tho...

          aw im sorry =( is there anything i can do tht will make u feel better?

i didnt know what to say...he doesnt even know me and he wants to make me feel better?...what do i do...i didnt know what to say, i was sitting there thinking of how to reply for almost 10 minutes...before i got the chance to reply he messaged me again:

           hey i gotta get off here txt me

he listed his number in the message. i blushed at it. i didnt know what to do, i wanted to text him but i was scared...what if its a fake number, or if he doesnt answer, i dont know! i'm so nervous...come on, drew its just a text message! you can do this...
     i was scared. i've never been so nervous to talk to someone. i texted him finally...i said "hey its neko." that was a nickname i was given last year at dance that i liked, and it was my screen name. our conversation started there.
     he was so nice, and our conversation last for hours. it was already night time, but now it was even later. it's 10 pm; we'd been talking for 3 hours. after a while, he said "well i think its safe to say tht i really like you" ...i literally jumped out of my bed and squealed, i ran circles around the room and jumped and squealed everywhere. i was so excited! the lady in the apartment under me hollered at me through the vent.
     "shut the hell up, i'm tryin' to sleep!"
i jumped out of my skin and calmly walked back to my bed and got back under the cover. grumpy old lady...ruinin' my happy time...i pouted for a second, then squealed again.
he said he likes me.
he really likes me. 
no one's ever come out and said that to me...especially not after only knowing me really for 3 hours. i dont even know what to do with myself, seriously, i'm just so excited! and, well...i guess you could say...happy. i didnt know how he could possibly like me when he barely knew me, but he said from what i wrote on my profile that i seemed pretty cool; he said he liked talking to me and we liked the same things.
    i was so happy but at the same time i was so sad, i mean, im not as sad as before but i still feel destroyed...this might not matter to some people, because some people do it all the time, but i gave myself away...and that's what hurts the most...i feel used...losing my virginity wasnt hard or painful physically but it tore me up in my ehart and in my head. and no one knows...no one's close enough to tell. ryan doesnt even know. betrayal is the worst kind of heartbreak in my eyes. when you trust someone and then they just throw it all away. the worst part is, ryan and haley were both my best friends...my only friends..no one is here for me now. i dont have anyone. No Haley, no Ryan, no Jamie, no Ali, Terra, Heather, Tony, Marco...they're all gone, they went on and changed with out me. it was even past the point where they only talked to me when they needed me, because they dont even need me now. but right now it looks like i've made a friend.
    scott and i talked every day for the next 2 days. all day, every day. i could honestly say that i was fascinated by him. i found out he is an artist, and he paints murals just like i've always wanted to and said i could help him with one next time he does one. he skates, but i already knew that. the kid with the black hair that was there the same day was his best friend and they'd been friends forever; he goes to an all-boys school (which totally bummed me out) and he also worked in landscaping and made alot of money from it with his dad. i was honestly impressed...and it's hard to impress me. not that i'm anyone important, but i'm the toughest critic in my own head, but nobody really knows.


     thursday night ended up being the start of the weekend and i was texting scott once again. today, i re-saved his number with a smiley face next to his name. every minute or two, it would pop up and i would get happy. even before i met him, scott was my favorite name, and he's the first scott i've ever met.
     he was at a family party, he said he was bored. for a while he was on his laptop, messaging me through email and then he was texting me again. either one works for me. i was so happy.
     "u wanna hang out tomaro?"  he said. and i almost didnt reply, not because i didnt want to hang out but because i didnt know what to say. he's got me speechless and i havent even officially met him yet...
     "sure if u wanna..." why would he want to hang out with me...
     "okay then u wanna meet up at the mall? i want to make u feel better, maybe i can cheer u up"
     "sure sounds fun :)"
     "yay cool =)"
i was so happy and excited i was finally going to meet him...

{{the next day}}

     i woke up early, so did scott. he's always awake, it seems... The mall was up the street so i thought i would have a little time. i made sure my hair was perfectly straight and wore my black sabbath shirt and gray jeans. i thought i looked cute, the only problem was my shoes...i would have worn my converse but they had ryan's name on them in giant letters, and the other pair of shoes were haley's that she never switched me back and i didnt want to wear boots...i ended up in haley's shoes. i loved them, they'd been through it all. graffiti, gym class, mosh pits, climbing on top of krogers, running away from gangsters trying to steal the cell phones we didnt have...it was good times. i'll just think of all of the good memories with the shoes and not the bad ones.
     i told Scott i was on my way but he was already there. i freaked!! i hate being late so much! i walked as fast as i could till i got there. he said to meet him in Journey's. oh my god i am freaking out. why did i even do this. what if he's not really there, what if he doesnt show up...at all....ahh!!!! i just hurried to journey's.
     i got there and i saw what i thought was him. his back was turned but he was side ways for a second so i saw his face. i was so scared. i walked up behind him and squeaked "hey!!" i didnt say his name because i was afraid it might not be him...then he turned around...
    "hey!" he said back. i melted. this is Scott...oh my god...he's beautiful... for those seconds i couldnt stop staring. he had light tan skin, barely a couple shades lighter than mine with a reddish hue. he had medium-brown hair, with waves and curls parted to the side across his face. his body was lean but muscular. he had the perfect, rounded-triangle nose, it looked like mine pointed upward, my nose is flat. he had these curvy lips that reminded me of the ocean and the perfect smile with straight teeth. my favorite part about him though, was his eyes. he had these big, beautiful, almond-shaped eyes that bursted out golden-orange brown and green. i'd never seen a pair like them...i couldnt take my eyes off him, but i couldnt look him in the eye.

     we went to the food court and sat down and talked. we looked at eachother's pictures on our cell phones and i blushed when i saw that i was his background. we talked about everything from food to just everything.
     we went to several different stores, and we liked all the same ones. every time we went to a store he would try to buy me something. i didnt want him to spend any money on me, but i didnt want to be rude and keep saying no.
     "ugh that smells good" i sighed.
     "what the coffee?"
     i looked up at him with that "dont ask me that" face.
     "i'll buy it for you"
     "why do you always want to buy me everything?"
     "i want to make you happy, at least let me buy you coffee."
     "but its four dollars..."
     "its fine," he laughed. "which one do you want?"
     i blushed. "the frozen one with the cookies and whipped cream." he smiled down at me and ordered it.
     i feel so special, like, past just special...i feel like he loves me. it cant be possible, but it definately feels like it. i've got cacoons opening like rapid fire in my stomach, these butterflies are insane. every time he smiles, i just want to fall to my knees. he's so sweet, and he's honest and just so...him. i've never met anyone like him. i really really like him...that doesnt usually happen, especially not right away. its complicated to say..
     here's the thing about boys...i dont know how to explain it, but i dont really like people very often. i mean, there are plenty of guys out there that i can go "yea, we'd work out great together" but that doesnt mean i actually like them. there are a couple of boys who i actually took the chance on, but they all turned out to just mess up...it didnt work with Tommy because i couldnt see him past anything but a friend, and Tyler and Josh cheated on me constantly...so did Tony, but it lasted so long, i loved him but after a while i couldnt take it anymore and he still was the one to leave me, same with ryan. and once again the love was forced...but right now, with scott...i feel like i'm really falling in love on my own, without anyone making me do it...i almost feel like he's my boyfriend. if this is what a boyfriend feels like, then i dont think i've ever had one.
     we walked around some more and then we ended up outside. i felt like i was about to cry, i started thinking about ryan and hannah an i just didnt know what to do for a second. we sat on the bench and i started to choke up.
     "can i...hug...you?" he asked in a calm voice. i nodded and we hugged for a second. the sound of his voice was toned so meloncholy, almost like he was just as broken as i was...i thought to myself. i'll mend your heart if you mend mine... and after i got a hold of myself he smiled when he looked at me, its like he heard me and agreed.
     we were standing outside by the back of the mall. i saw a couple of people i knew and said hi, which made me happy, because they were one of the people that were nice to me. we walked over and sat on a bench by a tree, and we got onto the subject of kissing. i didn't really kiss people.
     "why not?" he asked as he got up and started fiddling with a leaf on the branch.
     "i dont know...i don't really kiss anyone i guess...no one ever wants to kiss me."
     "i want to kiss you..." the butterflies are back...♥
     i smiled up at him. he stood directly infront of me as i sat on the bench. my feet were together and he put his around me. i finally let my guard down and i looked up at him and our eyes met directly. it felt like they were supposed to...i couldnt help but smile. then we hugged again and this time we were standing. i fit perfectly under his chin...it was perfect. he even walked me home, no one's ever done that for me. we hugged again before he left for home, and i didnt want him to leave
 i knew it.
 i loved him. 
and i wanted to say it 
so bad...

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