"with the venomous kiss he gave me, i'm killing loneliness"

     it wasnt too long and wasnt to short. our lips pressed together and they were so soft, i felt the tip of his nose brush against mine and we pulled away and locked in a stare. i was so scared. my stomach started turning as he looked at me but i couldnt look away...and he looked scared like i did. my mouth moved as i tried to form words but i couldnt get them out. we just looked at eachother for a second. i didnt want to look away...and i was just hoping that he liked it too.
     he blinked once, then he smiled at me. i managed to perk up a grin and got happy...he does feel the same. i thought to myself and i giggled as did he. he was adorable...i couldnt say it enough. i could tell he was happy about it and it made me feel so warm. it felt like i just had my first kiss, even though it wasnt...but i wish it was...i wish my first kiss would have been like this...
     we started watching tv and beerfest was on. i had never seen it before but he kept telling me how funny it was so i kept watching. his mom called him upstairs. "i'll be back in a minute, hold on." i knodded and kept watching. i thought it was interesting that they had to drink out of a glass shaped as a boot, but what i really found interesting was how long it took them to figure out how to drink out of it...i just thought it would be common sense to turn it because of the carbonation. great, there goes me being overanalytical again. i sighed and kept on looking.
     scott came down the stairs with two plates. they had sausage, salad and rice and it looked so good. it was italian sausage, which i generally hated because my mom made it all the time when i lived with her, but this actually looked appealing and even smelled good. "i'll be back i'll go get us some drinks, what would you like? i've got water, lemonade, coke...?"
     "i'll take coke." i smiled.
     "okay, and do you want ranch dressing or something else?"
     "uh....do you have italian?"
     "yep, i'll be right back!" he said and set the plates on the table and skipped back over to the stairs.
wow...he's letting me eat at his house...he's so...welcoming. i don't know, i'm so not used to it. i'm used to having to leave when someone has dinner, but he's letting me stay. the only friend that ever let me stay was Ali, but we were like sisters and we lived across the street from eachother. speaking of streets, i cant believe me and scott are only walking distance away from eachother...how have we been living in the same area and never saw eachother this whole time? thats...not fair.


     he brought back the drinks and we sat down to eat. "wow this is good!" i said as i forked at the sausage. it's official, i've been sold. i guess my mom just never made it right or something.
     "thanks," he chuckled "my mom made it."
     "well tell her i said 'thank you' because this is really good."
     "haha, okay, i will."

     when we got done eating we were talking and then playing around again, but this time i just couldnt help myself, and i dont think he could either...we kissed again, and then we ended up kissing even more. i crossed my legs and leaned in towards him more. his hand was on my shoulder, but only slid down towards my elbow and he didn't hold my waist like i thought i would...which made me feel respected in a way and i appreciated it. i got closer to him and i felt him smile through our kiss, and i smiled too...it made me happy. but what really got me excited was when he french kissed me...i didnt expect it at all. my last boyfriend that tongues were gross so we never did...well he thought everything was gross pretty much...crazy germophobe.
     i was so comfortable with scott, it was crazy...i never kiss people i barely know, or anyone really at all...but now that i think about it, he isnt just anybody and i dont barely know him. we know so much about eachother and get along so well, i dont know how to explain it...this is only our second day of hanging out and im just...so...i dont know, i just love him more and more. yes, love. i'm like, addicted to seeing him. he's so friendly, and sweet, and nice and...gorgeous...but thats besides the point. he's one of the very view people that i honestly enjoy being around, and i usually dont like being around people unless i'm in a group. but i can be alone with him and feel completely fine, its almost like i'm hanging out with myself, only as a boy...i wish i could say this better, i guess i just love it.
     we pulled away and he looked at me, the next thing i remember is us hiding underneath the blanket again and then i just remember being on the floor.
    it got racy...
he pushed the table over and he had me lay down...the blanket was over us and he was over me... he kissed me again then he moved a little further down and kissed my stomach and then at my hips...i mumbled under my breath "god...i am going to kill you..." he stopped and came back up to kiss my lips again, and he was so good at it. then i felt something on my leg...i looked down and there was a shape in his pants that made me really really nervous. at first impulse i said out loud "there's something poking my leg." and he got up and said he was sorry and we sat back on the couch and his face was read.
    honestly, i didnt want to stop at all, but i was too scared to go further...and i didnt want him to think i was easy. like my cousin tara used to always tell me: "every boy wants an easy girl, but the dont wanna keep her." i'm not easy at all, and i didnt want him to get the wrong idea...but i also wanted him so bad, i didnt want him to get that idea wrong either. but did he really want me back? i honestly dont think he's like other guys...but what if he is? what if i'm wasting my time?...but he hasnt given me any reason to doubt...so, he's unique until he gives me a reason to change my mind.

     we didnt stop kissing, despite the pause. he was sitting on top of me while i was sitting on the couch and we were still kissing, and i loved that...because it reminded me of kissing a girl...i could never tell him that though, i'm afraid he would be offended...but one of the parts i liked about kissing girls is that they would sit on my lap, facing me while they kissed me and he was doing just that. i dont know what this creature is, but its beautiful and i love it.


     we played video games for a while and then we left and he started walking me home. we were talking about random stuff. as it turns out, we both really like taco bell and he's never had shrimp before. he doesnt have a favorite color but he does like purple and his favorite restaurant is the same as mine that we both went to every week on the same day and even remembered the same waitress. how did we not see eachother, we live a couple streets away and we go to all the same places with almost all of the same interests? we also went to warped tour the same year and i was in a mosh pit that he started...what the hell, we should have met earlier!
      after we hugged goodbye, i trekked up the stairs to my apartment. at first, i thought i had forgotten my key, then i realized it was just in my left pocket and not the right one. once again, scott was on my mind and wouldnt get off, like i mind at all...i like it. maybe i like it a little too much. i dont know, i just cant stop.

i went to bed hoping to dream of him.


     it had been almost 2 weeks since me and scott first talked, and he's come over my house every single day just to see me. he didnt mind sitting outside with me on the curb and just talking. our conversations were usually full of laughter and smiles and his were the sweetest. we rearranged the pebbles on the street into pictures and get snapshots of them, i'd bring down my speakers and we'd listen to music and turns out he likes the same bands as me, including my favorite one, HIM. then he said something to me that kind of warmed my heart. "to be honest," he said "when i leave here and go home...i lay down on my bed and listen to the songs on your profile and think about you. all of your songs remind me of you and make me think of a memory. i know we havent known eachother very long...but...it feels like i've known you forever, almost like we grew up together. i feel like i rode bikes with you and made shapes out of clouds with you, even though i've only known you for 2 weeks..."
     "i feel the same way...you're my best friend. people who've known me for years dont know me even half as well as you do. its crazy...you're my best friend...you're the best friend i've ever had, i've only had you for a while but i'd love to be friends fore—for a long time..." i almost said forever...i wont make that mistake again...
   he smiled and looked over at me, twisting a pebble between his fingers. "i like how we can talk about everything and that we're comfortable with eachother...i like how we're almost the same person."
   "i like that too..." i should have said i love you.
     that night, scott asked me out...he had asked me several times..but i said no...i wanted to, badly, but was i ready? i still had something for Ryan...i couldnt do that to Scott. I know the pain of being with someone who doesnt love only you, it makes you feel like they dont love you at all. you feel like a placeholder for them...you're just there because they other person isnt. it's a horrible feeling to love someone who doesnt love you back. it has happened to me in almost all of my relationships; all but one. i wouldnt ever make him go through that. but i am getting over ryan much faster than i expected...much faster...i think i'm almost ready.
    when i got online, i changed everything on my profile. i changed my background and i changed my friend section, moving scott from three to one and bella up to number two...leaving ryan at four, haley at five and ali at six...but they dont even deserve to be up there. i finally put up my school, now that i went to one and then i changed the top song on my playlist. i always change it to reflect how i'm feeling. i was satisfied with it.

     it was nice on sunday afternoon and i was feeling inspired. there was open studio at the dance studio so i figured i would go stretch my soul and body. i put on my purple leotard with the lace on top and my black fishnet hosery, and i had purple point shoes. i got them as a gift for my performance at my farewell recital at the last dance company i was in. they gave me an award for being thier youngest choreographer and for my solo in the ballet that i choreographed myself. it was interpretive ballet and alternative music, it was noticed across the city for being different and got a lot of people's attention. they knew my favorite color was purple and i didnt have the money to get new point shoes, as mine were worn and ripped. they hang in a shadow box in my bathroom, the purple ones are my favorite. i tied back my hair and grabbed my bag, my laptop and some money then headed off for the bus stop to catch a ride.
    i opened the double doors when i got there and stepped in. i took off my sweater and skirt and put on my shoes then started stretches and reviewed positions. 1st position...2nd position....3rd position...4th. i mumbled to myself as i practiced, arms first then feet. then plié at the bar. as i practiced my arabesque, i noticed someone staring at me. i rested my leg back down to the ground and faced warily towards the mirror holding on the bar tightly with my hands. i began to feel a little uncomfortable. i swallowed my spit, bit my lip, turned around and started dancing again. i clipped my mp3 to the strap of my leotard and went on.

she kept staring at me.

i was doing my spins and using the clock to spot,
and she was still staring at me.

i practiced my chasse,
and she was still staring at me.

i tested my extention,
and she was still staring at me.

i started getting dressed to leave.
and she was still staring at me.

     when i was leaving the studio, she was sitting on the stairs outside. when i was walking past i looked down and she was staring straight up at me, her eyes were wide, but the emotion in them was undetectible. i walked down the stairs until we were at eye level, and i held out my hand to her and said "hi, i'm aedrian" and smiled hoping she would shake my hand, but her eyes filled with tears and she bursted out into a screeching cry. my jaw dropped, i didnt know what to do. what did i do? i was so confused...she grabbed her purse and ran off down the street. i scrunched my nose as my thoughts distorted and i started to feel bad, i honestly dont think i did anything at all to that girl, i've never seen her before in my life. i tried to push the thought to the side of my mind with haley and ryan and act like it didnt happen. i was off to have some fun and meet bella at the library for a manga session.

     i saw bella sitting on a neon bean-bag chair in the corner of the manga section so i dragged over a cushion and plopped down next to her. "hey watcha readin'?"
     "took you long enough! i saved you some taffy." she shoved the bag at me without looking away from the book and i accepted it with a scared expression as i was afraid they would fall out. "i'm readin me some good old-fashioned inuyasha volume 1."    
     "nice. i brought vampire kisses" i said as i pulled i out the comic from my bag.
     "whats it about?" she shoved a green piece of taffy in her mouth. 
     "its about this girl who's in love with a vampire and they're dating and she's 16, and she can only see him at night and his cousin and his friends who are also vampires are after them or something like that."
     "so, just like the novel 'Vampire Kisses'?"
     "yeah, its based on the novel"
     "sweetness!" she exclaimed in a light voice and looked at the cover. "the girl on the cover kinda dresses like us."
     "yeah, her hair looks like mine exept hers is shorter."
     "i want her necklace!"
     "oh my gosh, me too! its so...batty!"
     "lamest pun ever, drew..."
     "i'll just uh...stop talking now..." i giggled and stuck my head back in the book.
i turned to bella after i finished reading. "so, the wierdest...most super awkward thing happened to me today."
     "what happened?"
     "well i went to the dance studio today and this girl was staring at me the whole time...like a dead stare."
     "wow, thats kinda wierd..."
     "i know, and she watched every move i made. but that's not the wierdest part. i went to say hi to her, and she bursted into tears and like screamed and ran away..."
     "wow that's crazy..."
     "i know...i feel so bad" i frowned.
     "dont worry, it wasnt your fault, whatever you did...i mean...well, you know. anyways, whats up with you and scott?"
     "we've hung out every single day" i swooned "he's so sweet! we talk about everything and he's always so understanding. we're so much alike and stuff and..."
     "we kissed!" i squeaked.
     "really?! aww yay!! then are you guys BF and GF now?!"
     she hit me across the face and yelled "and why the hell not?!" the librarian hushed her. she whispered as she stood over me. "answer me, damn it!"
     "he asked, but...but i said...no..."
     "are you stupid! go out with that boy! he obviously loves you!"
     "i dont know...what if he-"
     "no, dont 'what if' me. you can tell just by the way you talk about him, the things he does, the way you two talk. he loves you."
     "how do you know? what if its just a trick?"
     "i honestly dont think he would want to decieve you...he comes to your house every day, he talks to you about everything, you guys are best friends but you can tell by the expression you give when you say his name that there is something more to it."
     i didnt really know what to say back to her. "dont lose your chance, i know you've given up before or have been too scared...this is your shot. go for it and show him he's worth it if you really think so."
      she was right...i needed to show him. i can tell, i need him in my life, after only two weeks, i dont even know what life means without him...and there is something more. i need to tell him. he is worth it, he is everything i ever wanted and i hope he feels the same way. i think my loneliness died. i've got scott and bella and they're so much like me, its like i finally have people to relate to. speaking of scott, i really hope he hasnt given up on me...

No comments:

Post a Comment