"kill me, i begged but love said no..."

     last night was so much fun. i'm glad i had someone to share my happiness with, i usually don't talk to anyone about when i'm excited but i was too happy for this one. what makes me even more happy, is that she doesn't mind.
     my old friends hated when i was all cheery. Haley and Ali always would tell me to calm down whenever i got really excited, because i would get really hyper and they were trying to be cool. Ali was into this emo-goth thing and wanted to be depressed all the time, and Haley, i guess just didnt get it. the only ones who ever accepted my excitedness was my guy friends. Marco, Ryan and Kent. Whenever i was happy, they were happy and they would be hyper with me. they thought i was wierd, but they accepted it and they liked it. that might be what i miss the most about them.

     bella and i woke up early so i could take her to work with me.
     "so, where do you work exactly?" she asked as she put on her eyeliner in the mirror.
     "i work at Heron's Call." i said as i did the same.
     "hmm...never heard of it..."
     i closed my compact and put my phone in my bag. "well, i think you'll like it" i smiled. she smiled back and we left to start walking. i got a good morning text from Scott and almost fell over. see, he sent me a picture of him the other day and i put it as his contact picture, so it pops up whenever he texts me...which i'm glad to say is quite frequent. it was cute, he was making a wierd face to make me laugh because i was sad. i thought it was cute. and for a second there, it really looked like he teased his hair...who knows, looks good on him, whatever he did.
     we got there at my usual time and i opened up the place and turned on the lights. Bella looked around in awe. "you work at a music store?!" i nodded and smiled. "that's amazing!" she ran straight to the guitars and started looking at them. i knew she would like it.
     "hey you wanna help me with something?" i said as i got out the dusters out and windex.
     "sure i'd love to!" she rushed over to me from across the hall.
     "will you dust off the guitars while i get the basses?" she nodded at me. "i have to do the windows too."
     "got it. i'll help with the windows too if you want me to."
     "that would be great! thanks." i smiled and she grabbed the duster and went straight to work. as we were washing the windows, Lars and Cody came in. Lars looked over at us and rolled his eyes.
     "ugh!" he whined. "there's two of them now?"
     cody waved and walked to his spot.
     Bella whispered to me "...this is the one you guys call Lars isnt it?" i nodded yes. "...he's just the way you described him." we giggled quietly. "he looks like a loaf a' bread in a steeler's jersey!" we laughed again. finally someone agreed!
     Surprisingly they were on time today. me and bella had the whole store spotless. "wanna pick a CD?"
     "huh?" she said as she wiped off her hands with a paper towel.
     "we always choose a CD to play in the background, usually i choose it, but you can since you're here."
     she giggled with delight and looked through all of the cd's. She chose the HIM album "...And Love Said No." i think she did it for me. She put it in and smiled. i knew she did it for a reason.

     "So, i'm guessing this is the one i've been hearing all about." said mr. heron as he walked into the store. he had a bag and a cupholder with 3 coffees. i smiled when i saw him. he walked towards bella and held out his hand "hi, i'm Mr. Heron, if you see me anywhere, you can just call me Sam."
     she shook his hand. "i'm isabella, but i think bella is easier." she grinned.
     "nice to meet you bella." he nodded with a smirk. "i got you your usual," he handed me a cup. "i didnt know what you would like, so i got you a hot chocolate. is that okay?"
     "yes, thank you, its great." she smiled and welcomed the lid to her lips to take a sip.
     "dare i ask who chose the CD today? my first guess would be Drew..."
     "this time it was me!" bella raised her hand.
     "good choice. its a good album; good band." he said. we all agreed. "i got some extra sausage biscuts and hashbrowns in the bag if you want 'em. i already ate, so i'm good." we nodded. "well i gotta go sit and do nothin'. see ya, girls. nice to meet you, bella."
     "nice to meet you too!" she drank some more hot chocolate and made a face like she burned her tongue.
     "you okay?"
     "yeah, i'm fine. your job is so cool."
     "thanks, i think so too. i love working here, i've been working here for about a year and a half, or so."
     "wow, arent you 16? how did you get the job so young?"
     "i was a temporary member of Mr. Herons band and he offered it to me."
     "do you think...i could work here with you when i get older? ...or even now?"
     "i can talk to Mr. Heron about it for you" i smiled. she smiled back.

     we went back to my house after work and her mom picked her up. it's like when she left, the thoughts flooded in.
"kill me, i begged but love said no...
leave me for dead and let me go..."
the thoughts were killing me, why didnt love kill me? it's tortured me times before, and i did try end myself the first time my heart broke...because the first person i had ever loved in that way had been with so many other people in ways he wouldnt even try to be with me. he was sweet, he was shy, but he would do some really...bad things...with girls, but he could barely hug me. we were together off and on for 2 years and we kissed 11 times...10 in the same day and they were only pecks. i didnt want to go past kissing, but he would barely kiss me, but was fine with kissing everyone else. and ryan...that heartbreak hurt even worse. see, there is a huge difference between those two relationships...the main difference is that Ryan made me promises, Anthony didnt. Ryan promised he would never leave. he promised he wouldn't hurt me and wouldnt let anyone hurt me. he promised that i was his only one. he promised he didnt like haley... he promised that he would always love me. he promised we would be together forever. forever. i dont believe in that word. betrayal is the most hurtful thing to me, whether its cancelling plans, or breaking a promise. i cant help but be angered and upset, because they all know that...and i so badly wanted to end myself...i wish i could explain. life isn't fun at all, i'm lonely, half of my family hates me and everyone i've ever loved has betrayed me. a porcelain earn can only take so much damage and my heart is just as fragile. people dont have any idea what goes on in my mind, i think way too much. but its so hard not to let things bother me, when i have almost nobody. being alone all the time just means that there are no distractions to keep me from thinking...that's why i think so much.
     scott texted me and asked if i wanted to hang out. i said sure and then he said to come over to his house...i was afraid, but i said yes to go. i found out we didnt live far from eachother. he texted me:
     "do u no where vinerow street is?"
     "yea, thats around the corner from me"
     "ok well do u wanna meet at the corner store?"
     "uh...i dont really know where it is"
     "ugh lol ok well then well both just walk down vinerow and meet halfway, just walk to the corner by the traffic lights"
     "okay i got it"
i started walking over and i was so nervous. what if we were...alone...i'm afraid of what could happen. i'm not that kind of girl, if you know what i mean, but to him i feel so vulnerable...and i...i want him...that's so wierd for me to say. i'm never honest-to-God, completely attracted to people, niether guys or girls. Scott, though...he is just...wow. everything about him is so perfect, on the inside and outside, he is just crazy gorgeous. i hardly knew what to say to him when we were at the mall because sometimes i just wanted to look at him.
     i was walking up the hill and i saw him coming down it, he was looking at his phone. i got butterflies and smiled to myself, then scooted up a little faster. i finally got up to him and he looked at me and said "hey" and i know i blushed. i tried so hard to look pretty for him. i made sure my eyeliner wasnt dripping anywhere and straight shadows above my eyes so it faded out. i even went through the trouble of concealing the scars on my face, i didnt want him to think i was ugly...
     we wove through a few streets before we actually got to his street. and the first thing i noticed when we got to his house, was that he went in through his garage. the second thing i noticed, was the drum set. he didnt mention he played...♥
    we were in his basement and just talked for a while. there was a lot of giggling and smiling, not just from me , but from both of us. his favorite band was bring me the horizon, he had "BMTH" written on his pants. every time i looked at him, i noticed something more and more familiar to me. i hadnt known him very long, but there was something about the way he looked that made me think i had known him for years.
    we started playing around as i got more comfortable with him, i guess this is what flirting is like...i dont really flirt so i dont know much about it. we were playing around with a blanket on his couch. they were tan and leather, i really liked them. it was my favorite kind of couch, the kind that takes up two walls and joins in the corner. he was so cute! we were laughing and play-fighting over it then i let him win. he hid under the blanket. i giggled and i pulled it up from his face...then we were that close together. my wide grin just turned to a look of awe and nervouseness as we stared straight into eachothers eyes. we were so close together...      
     this was my chance...
     this was it...
     what do i do...
my heart was racing. my eyes were wide.
     i was so scared,
     but i had to do it.
     he means too much to me,
     .i have to let him know.
     my heart was beating faster.
     this is my chance...

     and we kissed...

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