"I tried to be someone else...but nothing seemed to change I know now, this is who I really am inside"

     i loved that me and scott were an item. it was like a dream come true, he was the perfect boyfriend. but the only problem was that thanksgiving break is coming in two days, which means i leave for New York in two days. and now, i didn't even want to go. i really do miss my dad, but i havent left yet and i already miss scott. and there was that option to move up there...with my cousins...i dont know, its such a hard choice because i love new york and i hate it here, but i love scott and bella and i dont want to leave them...
     i met up with bella at the cafe so we could talk, now that she was better. when i got into the room she grabbed me by the shoulders "i saw your status update!! i told you he loved you!!! i told you!!"
    i giggled and hugged her. "i know, bella! i'm so excited!" we sat down facing eachother. she pushed a muffin at me and took a bite of her own.
    "okay." she squealed with muffin in her mouth "tell me everything!"

     i squealed with excitement as i started my story. "alright, first he quoted my profile song, which i wanted him to see because its how i feel about him and i left school after lunch because i was upset and didnt wanna be there and he sent me the message when he got out of school and —"
     "goodness, woman, slow down! you're talking at lightning speed!"
     "sorry, i'm just so excited!!"
     "hahaha, okay, continue."
     "okay well i saw his message when i woke up and then i heard his bike coming up through the parking lot, so i went outside...and he was there. at first he didnt say anything, then he said 'what is love to you' and i said it was like being infatuated with your best friend...then...i said it was okay if he wanted to say he loved me because i loved him too and he said 'i love you' and hugged me really tight and left." i sighed. if it was real to have hearts in your eyes, i wouldnt doubt that i did. "he asked me if i would go out with him, and i said i would if he asked me in person...and he came back to my house, asked me out, and i said yes!"
     "awww oh my God aedrian that is so cute! i'm so happy for you!"
     "thanks!! i know right?! i knew you would be happy to hear it" i smiled and stuffed half of the muffin in my mouth.
     "well duh of course! people who love eachother should be together, it only makes sense" she smiled "and you guys just seem so perfect for eachother"
     "it seems that way because we are! its amazing! but i am a little sad..."
     "what?! why!!"
     "because i'm going to new york in two days and—"
     "you're moving?!"
     "no...well, i dont know...i have the option to stay up there..."
     she frowned and sighed and nodd her head down. "we-well...what are you going to do..."
     "are you okay?" i sat closer to her.
     "well...you're like, my only friend...i'd be sad if you moved...i...i-i just —i would miss you so much, i dont know what i would do without you now..."
      i put my arm around her shoulder "i dont think i'm going to move there, bella."
     she looked up at me "you...you're not? but i thought you—"
     "you're right, i do love new york. its my favorite place to be in the whole world, well it was."
     "mhmm." i nodded. "but i wouldnt be happy up there, i mean, yeah i love the atmosphere and all...but the only reason i was leaving was because i had nothing to stay here for. but now, now that i have you and scott, i dont have a reason to leave. i thought i had lost it all, but i really just did a trade off. the people i thought were my best friends, really werent. you guys, even though i havent known you long, are nothing short of the best...i love you both."
     bella smiled and hugged me tightly."i love you too. i'm so glad you're staying here...i hope you have fun up there though, because i know you love it."
     "thanks" i smiled "i'll bring you back something from chinatown!"
     "yay!!" she squeaked. "oh, and can i do your job for you while you're gone? i really want to, i liked working there with you that day."
     "i'll talk to mr.heron about it today and i'll email you what he says."
     "yay! thank you so much! i hope he says 'yes'!"
     mr. heron came into the store as i was setting up someone with a new distortion pedal. bella. i gotta ask him about that job for bella. after i was done helping and checking them out at the register, i made sure no one needed me and rushed up to him. i chased him as he was walking towards the back of the store. "hey, mr. heron, i have a question." 
     "okay, what cha got for me, drew?"
     "well, you know im going to be in new york for a few days, right?"
     "yes, i remember. whats up?"
     "well, do you remember bella?"
     "yeah, i like her. she was a really sweet girl. why?"
     "well, she wanted to know if she could work in my place while i'm gone. she really liked working here with me the day i brought her and wanted me to ask if she could."
     "yea, that would be fine. as long as you think she's good enough for the job, then sure. just give her my email and i can send her the hours. and if she really likes it here, i could give her a permanent job for a low wage if she does well."
     "sweet! thanks, i'll tell her." he nodded and walked away.

     i started untangling the wires while there were no customers. i dont understand how they even get tangled, all they do is lay there, untouched, but somehow turned into electric dreadlocks. oh well, its a way to pass the time. after i finished in the bass section, i moved to the guitars. that didnt last long though, lars' big rusty butt decided to complain so much that i just told him he could just do it himself. then, he mocked me in the voice of minnie mouse. i definately dont sound like that...i'm a soprano, but not that high of a soprano.
     i saw a few people coming into the store. "welcome to heron's call!" i said loudly over the tunes of aerosmith wallowing in the background. i saw a girl looking at some headphones so i walked over to her. "hey, if you need help with anything, just ask me and i can answer any questions." i smiled. she turned her head slowly and looked at me straight in the face, then her eyes grew large and she started screaming. "woah woah!! whats wrong? are you okay?!" it was the same girl from the dance studio. she started crying really loudly and flailing her arms. "hey! calm down! whats wrong?" she stared at me in tears then she screamed again and weeped onto the wires and they started sparking. "hey, i dont know whats wrong...but please stop crying! whats wrong!" i tried to pull her away from the wires but she pulled down the rack hanging on the wall and it fell on me and she ran out the door. what the hell just happened? i tried to push the rack onto one of the amps and crawled out and brushed of my shirt. then i screamed when i saw my pantleg had caught fire and stepped on the small flame next to the amp to put it out. i sighed and took out the wire and wrapped it around my arm, then dragged myself over to the front desk to get a replacement and put in some money to pay for it.
     mr. heron came running to me and so did cody. "what's going on?" yelled mr. heron "what happened?"
    "honestly, i have no idea." i set down the burned wire in the waste basket and changed the CD.
    "what was all that screaming."
    "this girl came in here, she was looking at the headphones and i told her if she had any questions or needed help, that i would be here to answer...then she started screaming..."
     "that doesnt make any sense..."
     "i know it doesnt...i've seen her before, when i was dancing the other day, at the studio, she was staring at me...then when i went to say hi to her, she started crying, and i dont know why. i didnt do anything to her..."
     "thats a really far-fetched story, aedrian..."
     "sam, you know i didnt do anything to her."
     "i know, it just sounds really crazy...or well, she just sounds crazy."
     "she is crazy! i didnt do anything to her and she does all this stuff, i dont understand" i frowned. i hate when things like this happen. it always happens to me, i'm not a mean person but this stuff makes me feel like crap.
     "well, i'll help you put this stuff back up. i dont really get what just happened, but -"
     "the little witch scared her, thats what happened!" lars yelled from the back.
      "i'm not a witch!" i yelled in despair. shivers went down my spine. witches scare me, i'm far from one. one time, this girl who lived with haley...back when we were in summer school together...she was mad at me. i was drawing a picture of Jesus on the cross and she told me to stop because he isnt real, and i told her "no" because i believe in God. she said that if i didnt stop, she would make sure i didnt draw for a long time and i didnt believe her. she said some stupid rhyme and me and haley just thought it was some non-sense bullshit because we thought she was a nutcase...more than a nutcase, she was more like a whole barrel of peanuts. i started drawing again, and it was fine. but the next day, i had a horrible pain in my writing hand. every time i tried to draw, the pen would slip out and i couldnt do anything right, i couldnt even write correctly, it was so embarrassing. i was so scared that i would never draw again.
      "sure you're not. i bet all of those songs you write are just spells and your stupid poems."
      "what?! no they're not! i love to write, they're all my feelings-"
      "Lou, stop it! what's your problem!?"
     "yeah, because you have dark eyes, black makeup, black hair, black everything! and that pentagram on your hand...tell me you're not a ----ing witch!"
     "i'm not!! it's a heartagram, a band logo, its the same symbolism as a yin-yang just a different interpretation!     
     "you're only saying that to hide it!"
     "i'm not! i was born with dark hair and i look good with dark makeup, thats why i wear it...i'm not a witch, witches scare me.."
     "good cover up, why dont you go back to hell where you came from. no one wants you here!" 
    "get the hell out of my store." said mr. heron as i started to cry. i stood there watching him leave, completely speechless. mr. heron tried to console me, but i was too destraught. he said i could leave and i walked on home. the farther i got towards the house, the more upset i got. i went to the store on the way home and bought hair dye.

      when i got in, i slammed the door shut and went straight to my drawers and took out my light jeans and an old pink shirt. and white heels out from under my bed. i took off my earrings, ripped out my guages and washed off my eyeliner. i took off my sleaves and took off my fishnets, took off my skirt and my tank top. i dyed my hair light brown. i streeked over my eyelids with a bright blue, put on the shirt and jeans and heels and the brightest pink lipgloss i could find and curled my hair and eyelashes and looked in the mirror.

"is this what you fucking want!"
i screamed at the top of my lungs. i punched the mirror and dropped to the ground in a sob.
     i stared up at my broken reflection from the floor as i leaned against the bath tub., the mirror was shattered into 6 jagged entries. i got up and looked at myself. i felt no different. i was still me.

this isn't me.

     i scraped off the caked foundation and eyeshadow with my sleeve and combed my bangs back over my forehead. i took off all of my clothes and pulled on my pants and a hoodie over my head and looked again.

this is me.      

      i'm not a witch. i'm still me...i cant change how i look, it wouldnt even matter. i'd still be the same aedrian camejo that i always have been. which means i'll never be accepted. 
 sometimes, i would just like to be left alone.
i just want everybody to stop looking at me from the outside.
i'm not a bad girl, i'm not mean. i'm nice to everyone, i'm just quiet. i'm not evil, i'm not demented or possessed or anything like people like to say i am. i'm just me. i'm an artist, i'm a writer, a musician, a dancer...a Christian...the last thing i ever want to do is hurt somebody, and i try so hard not to and do a fine job at it.... i just dont understand why hurting me has to be a hobby.

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